


Buried Beneath

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Breaking Up & Making Up, Community: hc_bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mugging, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-27 06:18:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared always imagined that his nervous breakdown would go a little differently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Buried Beneath

**Author's Note:**

> Written for spn_littlebro’s ‘nervous breakdown’ bingo prompt. Thanks to Špela for going through it, and Kim for giving me some writing tips. And thanks as always to anon_fan for her help! Any remaining mistakes are my own.

Jared always imagined that his nervous breakdown would go a little differently.  
  
It all started the day that Jared was promoted and put in charge of a subdivision at the telecommunications company that he worked at. Jared truly thought that nothing could possibly go wrong. He had a well-paying job, a great boyfriend (who he didn't see enough of, but that was the only blip in his life), a great apartment, great friends and well, great  _everything._ Unfortunately for Jared, the ensuing cracks were hard to ignore and the idea of the breakdown became less of an idle thought and more of a distinct possibility.  
  
He imagined that one day, he'd just lob a box of paperclips at Mr Johnson's head, throw a chair through the glass partition of his corner office and quit; right there on the spot. He'd skip and dance on his way out and throw the contents of his candy bowl up in the air as a parting gift.  
  
Of course, that's not how it went.  
  
~  
  
Jared was hurrying down the street, phone pressed to his ear as he juggled with his briefcase and laptop bag. He'd worked another late night, and Jensen, his boyfriend, was checking up on him, and whining about the dire state of their fridge.  
  
"I can pick up some takeout," Jared said as he rounded a corner. His car was being serviced so he'd taken a cab  **to**  work. It was only a thirty minute walk, so Jared figured that he may as well walk home. Jensen had offered to pick him up but Jared had refused, Jensen had only been back from his business trip to Japan for two days, he didn't want to tire him out. Well, not in  _that_  way.  
  
"No, I'll do that," Jensen replied, and Jared could detect a trace of worry in his tone. "I read something in the paper about some muggings happening in the area; they think that the guy will strike again." Jared wanted to laugh the comment off. He was six foot five, and built like a goddamn tree; he'd be fine.  
  
~  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Jared passed an older woman on the sidewalk, smiling at her slightly when she glanced at him curiously. Seconds later, a black blur barrelled its way past Jared and he heard a loud cry. He turned back to see a hooded figure wrestling with the woman over her purse. Without giving the situation a second thought, Jared jogged backwards quickly and intervened.  
  
"Let go of her bag, man," he said firmly, attempting to appeal to the better nature of the guy. Jared’s words did nothing to deter the man, who continued to tug at the strap violently, humming in triumph when the woman’s grip loosened. Jared latched onto the bag before the hooded man could abscond. His grip was firm and tight as he braced himself for the confrontation. In hindsight, it was probably a stupid thing to do, but Jared was too caught up in the moment. Adrenaline inundated his veins, and he squared up to the masked attacker.  
  
"I can do this all night," he said. "Do the smart thing and let go before the police get here." Jared wasn't sure if the woman had called the police, but this jackass didn't need to know that.  
  
Right?  
  
~  
  
Guilt began to consume Jared shortly after he woke up in the hospital later on, with a huge bump on his head and a possible concussion. It turns out that the guy had been carrying some sort of weapon on him; Jared hadn't seen what it was. He barely remembered being hit over the head, and he certainly hadn't seen the blow coming. Jared should have let go of the bag and just allowed the guy to run off. He’d not only endangered himself, he’d endangered the person that he had been trying to help in the first place.  
  
While Jared gathered his thoughts, he felt a weight in his hand. He looked over to see Jensen looking down at him, with concern in his eyes. He wasn't able to get a word out before the nurse arrived and started fiddling with wires and machines. And by the time the doctor declared that Jared was okay, they'd only exchanged a handful of words. Soon after that the old woman stopped by to thank him, the police swung by to take his statement and then visiting hours ended. Of course, Jensen wanted to stay overnight, but he had that early morning meeting to prepare for.  
  
~  
  
Once his bosses heard what had happened, they told Jared to take a couple of weeks off. The police hadn't called with any follow up questions and health-wise, Jared was fine. Mentally, Jared wasn't so fine. At first he put the night time jitters down to the recentness of The Incident, as it became to be known. Yet, within a few days it became obvious that something else was going on.  
  
"Are you sure that you're okay?" Jensen asked one morning, during week two of Jared's time off. "I've got a light day today; I could stay at home with you?" Jared immediately shot that suggestion down. Last time Jared got stuck at home with the flu, Jensen spent the entire week bitching someone called Mr Takama through the phone. That only made Jared feel worse, so he'd vowed not to keep Jensen away from his office ever again. He’d just ride out this odd feeling and move on with his life.  
  
"No, I'll be fine," Jared said as he leaned up to kiss Jensen quickly. "Bring something back for dinner, we're out of groceries." Jensen looked a little off put by something. Jared wasn't sure if it was the too-brief kiss or the fact that he hadn't gone grocery shopping like he said he would. It wasn't entirely his fault. He'd gotten dressed, grabbed his keys, his credit card, whatever else he needed. He left the apartment, turned the corner and he'd frozen up on the spot as some guy with his hood up strolled past, iPhone glued to his ear. And for a moment, Jared found himself back on the street. In the dark; wrestling with the armed thug that had overpowered him and knocked him out. Fear rolled through his stomach, his hands were shaking. The only logical thing to do was to go home, climb under the covers and stay there until Jensen came back. And really, Jared planned on telling Jensen what happened, but when your boyfriend was as level headed as Jensen was, the last thing you wanted to do was admit to any shortcomings. Jensen would understand. But Jared would be fine eventually; there was no need to rock the boat.  
  
~  
  
Unfortunately for Jared, Jensen was one of those people who could always tell when something was wrong. The first time Jared fucked up a work account, he'd gotten a call an hour later - Jensen claimed that he had a 'feeling', and the night that The Incident occurred, Jensen had been worried. Well okay, so it had been pretty late that night but still. Jensen caught on to the whole not leaving the house sooner than Jared expected.  
  
"Maybe you should go for a walk?" Jensen suggested one afternoon. "And, I'll come with you." Jared agreed, and even though he steeled himself for the worst as they stepped outside, he didn't feel the same overwhelming sense of fear that he had before. With Jensen's hand in his, he felt safe. The feeling grew as they got further and Jared finally felt a ray of hope; maybe he'd just been too busy reliving the incident to realise that the chances of it happening again weren't as good as he'd thought it was. He didn't need to be afraid of walking two blocks to pick up  _groceries._ So when work called two days after that and demanded that he get his ass back  _pronto_ , Jared thought that things would settle down quickly. Jensen dropped him off in the mornings, and Jared pretended that everything was fine whenever anyone asked. He caught Jensen looking at him sometimes, like he didn't quite believe him, but he never said anything. He just offered support when it was needed; offered a shoulder to cry on; offered to be a sounding board. Jared came close to taking him up on his offer sometimes before catching himself, and painting on an even brighter smile. These feelings would pass eventually is what he told himself, they  _had_  to.  
  
The biggest issue was work. They threw him back into it; put him on a tough account. When people asked about The Incident, they'd smile and say something along lines of 'You were lucky just to get away with a bump on the head'. That in turn made Jared feel like a total head case because he didn't feel lucky, quite the contrary in fact. What was lucky about being too scared to leave your apartment unless your boyfriend was holding your hand, what was lucky about jumping every time he heard something rustling in the wind, shaking like a leaf as he stepped out towards his car, freezing whenever anyone touched him? What was lucky about feeling as though he would crack at any given point? Of course, he never said any of this to anyone; he just smiled and continued to pretend that he liked these people.  
  
~  
  
As the months went by, Jensen got tired of asking what was wrong. Instead he badgered Jared (what seemed to be) constantly about meeting up with their friends. The more Jared said no, the more Jensen got annoyed, which in turn upset Jared because he didn't want to be difficult...he just couldn't bear to face a bunch of people that he generally tolerated for Jensen's sake. So Jensen went alone and Jared pretended that he was okay with it up until the moment where he realised how  _late_  it was, freaked out and camped out on the couch and spent the next three days with a backache.  
  
"If I ask you what's wrong, are you going to give the same line you always do?" Jensen asked one night during dinner. Jared was tired from work and not in the mood for talking so he said nothing, just kept on dragging his fork through his pasta. He could feel Jensen looking at him, so he stopped and just sat there. Jared wanted to tell Jensen how he felt, he wanted to come clean. But he knew that if he did, Jensen would go into overprotective mode and  _smother_  him, and Jared didn't want that. So he told a half truth.  
  
"It's this job, the promotion," he said. "I knew it would be a lot of work but I'm finding it tough. Those few weeks I took off didn't help either. But it'll settle." Jensen didn't look convinced, but there must have been something in Jared's face because he sighed.  
  
"I'm sorry that you're finding it tough," he said. "If you want I could call Harry, ask him to lay off you?"  
  
"Oh good god, please  _don't_ ," Jared replied quickly. Jensen being friends with his boss hadn't made his job any easier. Harry always made snide remarks about Jensen getting Jared where he was today, he always used every opportunity he could to inform Jared that he would rather have Jensen working at his company. Not that Jared blamed him. There wasn't a week where Jensen didn't do something  _amazing_  at work, and there wasn't a week where Jared didn't hear about it. Most of the time, he didn't mind, but sometimes it stung a little. It made Jared feel inferior; not that it was Jensen's fault, it was just the way things were. Jared was okay with it; he had to be.  
  
"If you're sure," Jensen said as he stood up and gathered the plates. He looked like he wanted to say more, but he went to wash up. And later, when they were in bed, Jared made sure that _talking_  was the last thing on Jensen's mind.  
  
~  
  
The final stage of Jared's mind unravelling around him happened a week after that, in the office of the aforementioned Harry Johnson. Jared gave him the necessary reports, answered all of his questions and tried his best not to crack under Harry's smug stare. He was trying so hard that he missed the words coming out of Harry's mouth.  
  
"We need you to schmooze a potential client a few towns over, dinner, a meeting, whatever the hell he wants - we need this guy on board." Jared swallowed as he contemplated it. Driving alone to some strange town, where he would know no one? The mere thought made his skin crawl. There's no way that he'd convince the potential client to do anything if he spent the majority of his journey slowly coaxing himself down the freeway.  
  
"I don't think I can do those dates," Jared said. "I have an important appointment."  
  
"Oh really?" Harry said. "Because I checked with your boy first, and what do you know? He told me that they were available."  
  
"He must not have known about the appointment when you called him," Jared lied. "I only told him a couple of days ago." Harry leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. He grinned brightly, and Jared pasted on a fake smile.  
  
"That's odd. I spoke to Jensen an hour ago and yet, he didn't mention it. Are you sure that you told him?"  
  
The smile dropped from Jared's face.  
  
"You wanna know what else he said?" Harry was enjoying this, and well, why not? He'd always seen Jared as a joke, some toy that he could push around. Someone might as well take something positive from his misery. "He said that I should maybe think about giving someone else your duties, free up your workload. And based on your reluctance to actually do the job we pay you for, I think a demotion is in order."  
  
Jared's first thought was  _dammit, Jensen._  
  
His second was---  
  
"In that case, I quit." Harry stared at him blankly for a few seconds and then he threw his head back and burst into a fit of raucous laughter. Jared sat there patiently, ignored the lump in his throat and balled up his fists to stop himself from throttling the man. Eventually, Harry stopped laughing and he smiled darkly.  
  
"Quit," he said. "And you'll see how long Jensen sticks around when you can't find a job anywhere else."  
  
The old Jared would have given this man the finger, and left with his head held high. The old him would know that Jensen loved him truly and unconditionally; he wouldn't leave just because Jared was in between jobs.  
  
But at this point, the old Jared was long gone. In his place was a man who felt like he was slowly losing his grip on reality.  
  
~  
  
That was how Jared found himself staring in the general direction of his - old - corner office. It was such a cliché really. Why did people fixate on corner offices? What was wrong with a non-corner office? It made Jared laugh to himself. The worker to his left, Bob or Don or whatever, gave him a strange look but he didn't say anything. Jared turned back to the blank spread sheet in front of him, unsure about what he'd originally intended to do with it. Truth be told, Jared wasn’t sure what he'd been doing over the past few weeks. Mostly he showed up at work, stared at his computer screen for ten hours and then went home. Jensen still hadn't said a word about speaking to his boss, and Jared didn't mention it either; it was easier to pretend that nothing happened. He carried on with his routine and ignored the worried glances that Jensen sent his way. Eventually, Jared grew tired of ferrying himself between two places that he could barely stand to be in. So on the day that he finally cracked, Jared watched as the clock hit five, six, seven, eight and then nine. The building emptied out slowly, while Jared remained stationary.  
  
The cleaning company didn't do their shifts until the early morning, so it was just Jared in the office. A few of the stragglers had winced in sympathy as Jared pretended to work on an account. He nodded back at them, and his shoulders slumped soon after they'd left. Somewhere between 10 PM and 2 AM, he zoned out and when he came to, the entire room was dark and shrouded by silence. Jared wasn't shielded by the safety of the computers humming, he was an open target. Anyone could get to him. With his heart beating rapidly, and his hands shaking constantly, he sat there and began to count in his head. He'd go as far as he could and then everything would be alright. One. Two. Three.  
  
Four.  
  
~  
  
Jared was interrupted by his work phone ringing. It startled him and he felt like his heart was ready to jump out of his mouth. As he picked up a receiver, a thought occurred to him.  
  
"I've lost count," he mused out loud. He'd been counting for what seemed like days and now he'd have to start all over again. Well. That kind of sucked.  
  
"Jared? Where the hell are you?" Jensen's voice sounded down the line and Jared clenched his eyes shut. He didn't want to do this right now.  
  
"You made me lose count," Jared said, because he didn't think that the question required an answer.  
  
"Lose count?" Jensen sounded confused. There were some muffled voices in the background and Jared thought he heard the voice of his best friend, Chad. Not that either of them would win BFF of the year award, they hadn't seen each other in months. Chad was an actor of sorts, so he was usually always on the move.  
  
"Is that Chad?" he asked, because really, they were long overdue a catch up. Maybe Chad could help him get his thoughts together. "Can I talk to him?"  
  
"Why don't you try talking to  _me_?" Jensen sounded anguished and hurt, but Jared did not want to deal with that. He didn't want to deal with Jensen. He was tired.  
  
"I'm tired," he said. There was no point in sugar coating this anymore. "I'm tired of being scared, tired of feeling like a screw up, tired of not being good enough for you."  
  
"Jared..."  
  
Jared hung up.  
  
~  
  
The need to use the bathroom ended Jared's staring match with the blank computer screen, and he stood gently, wincing as pain shot through his back. His legs were heavy as he made his way over to the men's room. Once he was done washing his hands, he looked up and caught sight of his reflection. His face was pale, there were dark rings under his eyes and for some reason he looked as though he'd been crying. It was almost as if a stranger was staring back at him. So Jared reached out and punched the mirror until it shattered, until he didn't have to look at that stranger anymore. He barely noticed the broken skin on his hand, didn't notice the blood.  
  
"Oh my god," came a voice from the behind him. He didn't need to look around to know that it was Jensen.  
  
"Please leave," he said.  
  
"No," Jensen shot back. "Not when you're like this. Jesus, Jared. What the hell is going on with you?!"  
  
"I think you should do what he said," Chad's voice sounded in the room. "He's not well, man and you're just making it worse."  
  
"He's  _fine_ ," Jensen said with a sniff. Jared didn't dare turn around. He didn't want to see the mess he was making of Jensen's life; he didn’t want to see the hurt in Jensen’s eyes.  
  
Truth be told, he didn’t want to face up to  _any_  of this.  
  
"He's not," Chad said coldly. "He just punched a fucking mirror out after spending two days sitting at a desk in a building that he hates. And this is after a long line of incidents that include him not wanting to leave your apartment to go anywhere. You might have asked him what was up, and he might have given you bullshit in response, but that does not mean that you do  _nothing_!"  
  
No one said much after that.  
  
~  
  
When Jared next woke up, he was in a strange bed. He yawned to himself and sat up. The frame creaked as he moved and soon after, Chad burst into the room. His eyes were wide and full of alarm; almost as though he’d been expecting to see something out of the ordinary taking place. Given the circumstances, Jared shouldn’t have been surprised, but it still made him feel a little strange.  
  
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said quickly. He looked down at his bandaged hand, and grimaced to himself as he remembered the incident with the mirror. “I was just super stressed out. From work. My boss is a pain in my ass.” Jared could see that Chad wasn’t buying what he was selling so he soon stopped trying to explain away the events of the past couple of days.  
  
“You need help,” Chad said slowly, like he was trying to mentally drill the words into Jared’s head. “Jensen told me that you haven’t been yourself for a while now, he thinks that it’s his fault.”  
  
“Oh.” Jared found that past a whole lot of excuses, he really didn’t have much to say. They were right. He did need help, he hadn’t been himself, and he was only going to get worse if he didn’t face up to it now. Jared knew all of that, but he didn’t know what kind of help he needed. Did he need a shrink? Or some sort of mental asylum? How the hell was anyone going to fix the jumbled mess of a person that he’d become?  
  
“Jared?” Chad called his name, worry evident in his tone. Jared blinked away the millions of questions flooding his mind and looked up at his best friend.  
  
“You’re right,” he said. “I…I need help.”  
  
~  
  
Jensen stopped by at one point to see how Jared was doing. The last thing Jared could remember was telling Jensen to get out and it was all he could do to stop himself from doing the same. Not that he’d have had the guts to throw Jensen out, not when his boyfriend looked like his entire world was ending. There was no way to explain that Jared was trying to do the right thing. He was letting Jensen go before he screwed him up too. What if he didn’t get better? Jared couldn’t impose on Jensen any longer. Jensen deserved to be with someone as amazing as he was, and contrary to what Jared’s boss had said, he knew that Jensen would never leave him.  
  
So he left Jensen.  
  
Jensen didn’t go quietly even though Jared silently pleaded for him to do so. He could hear Chad murmuring ‘ _he’s not thinking straight, he’ll come around_ ’ as he ushered a tear-stained Jensen out of the room that Jared had been staying in. It was ironic because letting Jensen go was the only clear and concise thought that Jared had in his mind. It was the one thing that he was certain that he had to do.  
  
“He loves you, you know that?” Chad said in disapproval once he’d shown Jensen out of the apartment. Jared smiled sadly.  
  
“I know,” he said. “That’s why I had to let him go.” There was a long silence in the room as Chad stared at Jared, his face indifferent and still. Jared looked down at the ground, and waited for Chad to say something; anything.  
  
“I…I don’t even want to know what you mean by that, man,” Chad said eventually. “You are scaring the shit out of me, and I’m in no way equipped to deal with  _any_  this. But you’ve got to talk to someone.” In that moment, Jared couldn’t help feeling like a burden. He knew that he couldn’t impose on Chad any longer either.  
  
So he left Chad’s place too.  
  
~  
  
In hindsight, leaving Chad’s place probably wasn’t his best idea, but Jared hadn’t known what else to do. He crept out during the night, and it took him a good fifteen minutes to realise that he didn’t have his wallet with him. That meant that he had no money, no credit cards…nothing. Jared ended up trudging back to the apartment he shared with Jensen. It would be a quick stop; he’d just be there long enough to grab some clothes, money and his car keys. Jensen slept like the dead, he probably wouldn’t even hear Jared coming in. Still, Jared was hoping to see Jensen in a way, just to ensure he was okay. Even if they weren’t really together anymore, he missed Jensen and he wished that they could have parted on better terms. He steeled himself for their short reunion as he walked to the apartment, retrieved the spare key and unlocked the door only to find the place empty.  
  
It looked like it hadn’t been entered in days, everything uncharacteristically put into place. Jensen was nowhere to be seen and the note on the bed was the only sign that he’d been there. Jared grabbed a small duffel bag, shoved some clothes inside, as well as his shaving kit and some other stuff he figured would be essential. He found his wallet on the nightstand and after a moment of deliberation, he grabbed his laptop bag.  
  
The fear that gripped him as he stepped back into the night almost made Jared dizzy. He’d been so preoccupied with what he’d do when he saw Jensen, that he’d barely noticed his surroundings on the way to the apartment. Jared took a deep breath and tried to regain his composure. Their place was empty, and things would be better in the morning. He’d just sleep here tonight and leave when it was bright outside.  
  
~  
  
When he woke up, Jensen was watching him from the kitchen doorway. Jared had passed out on the couch, with his bags as close to him as possible. He started when he caught sight of Jensen, and it felt – not for the first time – like his heart was about to leap out of his chest. Jensen stammered out an apology when Jared placed a hand on his own chest and tried to calm himself down. He wanted to tell Jensen that there was no need to apologise, but he couldn’t speak.  
  
“I didn’t think you were coming back,” Jensen admitted. “And then when Chad called to say that you’d gone…we went out to look.” Jared swung his legs down from the couch and sat up. Of course they'd gone out to look. He'd been too selfish to leave a note or something and he'd screwed up again. And well, that he was all he was good for, right?  
  
"Look, Jared," Jensen said when Jared remained silent, too busy with occupying himself with thoughts of self-blame and shame. "I'm not going to make you stay; I'm not going to ask you to take me back. I just...I  _need_  to know what's going on with you; I need to know what  _I_  did wrong." There was so much pain and anguish in his voice that Jared could barely bring himself to look Jensen in the eyes. He owed him that much, and he owed Jensen the truth, but what was the point of saddling Jensen with more of his shit. What good was it if he couldn't get better on his own?  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong," Jared said, his tone unintentionally devoid of emotion. "And as for the rest...what difference does it make? What does it matter? It's done and I'm going to get help, I swear."  
  
"It matters to  _me_!" Jensen yelled and Jared frowned. This wasn't helping either of them. He should just go. Just, leave Jensen here and hope that one day he got over this and found someone else to love, someone that wouldn't let him down.  
  
"You haven't let me down," Jensen said softly when Jared put that to him. "Mostly I'm just hurt that you don't think that I'd want to stick by you during a hard time. You're not dying, Jared and I'm not dying. You're having some sort of breakdown, and you know what? It just means that you're human. You're not the first person to go through something like this, and you won't be the last. So just stop telling yourself that it's a life sentence. It's not. And if you need someone to help you realise that, then I'm here. I'll be here every day if you let me."  
  
Jared thought about it,  _really_  thought about it. Sure he himself thought that he was being a little stupid and dramatic, but Jensen was right. It wasn’t a life sentence. And, it would be nice to still have one constant in his life while he got the help that he clearly needed.  
  
It would be nice to still have Jensen by his side.  
  
“Fine,” Jared relented. “You’re…you’re right. I meant what I said earlier,  _you_  didn’t do anything wrong. It started with the promotion I got at work…”  
  
Jared’s boss was the kind of guy who headhunted people from other companies and lavished praise on them, while ignoring the people that he didn’t like. For Jared, he applied to the company itself and worked up the ranks. His boss only came into contact with him when Jared ended up in a senior position. Even then, he didn’t have much to say; just dotted the i's and crossed the t’s. Everything changed within the space of an evening, some formal dinner thing that Jared had brought Jensen to. Back then, Jensen was just as good at his job as he was now, and his boss offered him a job right there and then.  
  
Jensen said no and made a joke about cramping Jared’s style.  
  
“But that was a joke,” Jensen said when Jared reached that part of the story. It wasn’t the first time he’d interrupted and Jared felt himself getting annoyed. The whole spilling his heart out thing wouldn’t work if he couldn’t even get his words out. Wasn’t talking about it supposed to make him feel better?  
  
Maybe that was a myth.  
  
“Just let me finish, okay,” Jared replied.  
  
He went on to tell Jensen about how his boss suddenly started acting as though he and Jared were best chums, and continued to ask him about Jensen joining the company. And how when Jared had no answers for him, things changed. It was as though his work tripled, and people in the office were cold towards him. He became more stressed, and he was so busy pretending that he was okay that when The Incident happened, something kind of just  _snapped_.  
  
Jared told Jensen everything, and thankfully Jensen listened quietly this time. Afterward, he held Jared in his arms and told him that everything would be okay.  
  
~  
  
Therapy was officially the most awkward thing Jared had even done. He found it difficult at first to unload on a complete stranger, but oddly enough telling Jensen beforehand seemed to have helped. Not that Jared hadn’t expected to, but before all of the anxiety had started, he’d been able to tell Jensen anything. This time was different though, because he was able to say what he’d said and even the parts that he hadn’t ever uttered before.  
  
“Well, Jared, it does seem like you had some sort of breakdown,” the therapist said. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, they are actually more common than they seem and from what you’ve told me, there are definitely clear reasons why you went through one.”  
  
“Okay,” Jared said, because he didn’t need reassurance, he just wanted to be  _better_. Soon.  
  
Now.  
  
“I know that you’re probably wishing that there was some sort of cure, some magic pill that you can take, but there isn’t,” the therapist said. Jared knew that she was right; he'd known all along that it wouldn't be easy, and he'd been prepared for that. It was just that reuniting with Jensen had thrown a wrench in the works, and he wondered if staying had been the right thing to do. Jared never really wanted to leave, but back when everything got too much, he believed that he  _had_  to. To say that Jared was confused would be an understatement, and although Jensen was trying, sometimes he made Jared feel worse.  
  
Jensen's daily routine hadn't really deviated ever since Jared quit his job. His boss had tried to make him come back and work notice, but Jared's doctor provided him with a sick note, so to speak, and saved him from ever going back to that place. Jensen was still a high flier at his company, and work was still enjoyable for him. While Jared was still proud, it quickly became too much to process, too much to handle. The same doubts from the past few months began to fill his head. Why was it that Jensen seemed to excel in a role that Jared had failed at? Did it mean that Jensen was better than him, and if so, did that make him inferior in Jensen's eyes?  
  
"What is it?" Jensen asked when he noticed that Jared hadn't uttered a word since he’d started talking about work. Jared shook his head, but a look of realisation spread on Jensen's face. "I'm doing it again, aren't I? Going on and on about work, when it is obviously the last thing you need to hear about right now."  
  
"I get that you're proud of what you achieve at work, and I love that you're so passionate about it all," Jared said. "But yeah, it can be a little overwhelming. Especially now that I don't have a job." Jensen nodded, and he gave Jared an apologetic smile. There was something else to it though, and Jared couldn't help remembering what his therapist had said to him during one of their sessions. He'd asked why it was that he had kept things bottled up for so long, when it was obvious that he'd had an issue. She told him that, everyone was different and that they all reacted in different ways to different things. It'd seemed like a vague non-answer at the time, but as he looked at Jensen, Jared got the feeling that something wasn't right there.  
  
"Is there a reason why you come home and tell me all of this stuff?" he asked, deciding to take a chance and see if there  _was_  something going on. "Not that I don't like that you love your job, just it feels like something is going on."  
  
"I didn't think you'd notice," Jensen said after a lengthy silence. "You can always tell when something's up with me, and I always thought I was that way with you, but I guess we've both gotten better at pretending."  
  
"What's happening at work?" Jared asked. He figured that the rest of what Jensen had said was a matter for another time. He didn't think he had it in him right now to dissect their relationship. "I thought that you really liked your job."  
  
"I do," Jensen said. "But I'm an outsider at work. They all hate me because I close the most deals; I have the high profile accounts. And for some reason it bothers me. So I decided that if I couldn't talk about all the good stuff with anyone there, I'd store it up and come home and tell you. And that smart idea led to you having a breakdown!"  
  
“Well, it didn’t really,” Jared said. “You calling my boss did.” Jared wasn’t sure why he picked this moment to refer to the call that Jensen had made, but he couldn’t fail to mention it any longer. And okay, it hadn’t really led to him having his breakdown, but it’d helped push him over the edge.  
  
“What?” Jensen replied, with his face twisted up in confusion. “I didn’t call your boss. I mean…you told me not to. And, I don’t really like the guy; I just humour him from time to time. That’s the best way to deal with assholes like that.”  
  
“But he said that you told him to reduce my role at the company, that you…” Jared trailed off as he played the conversation in his head. He’d been played, and he hadn’t trusted Jensen enough not to believe the lies that his boss had spouted out.  
  
God, he was terrible. He was a terrible person.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said tiredly. “I should have known that you wouldn’t….I should have…” Before he could say more, Jensen joined him on the couch and wrapped his arms around him. It felt warm, safe and like home. Jensen pressed a kiss to his forehead and murmured that it didn’t matter. Jared wished he could believe that, but it  _did_  matter.  
  
“You can tell me about work anytime you want,” he said. “Now that I know why you talk about it so much, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t say anything to me, you can.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Jensen said softly. Jared nodded.  
  
They didn’t speak for a while after that.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Jensen came home one evening, took one look at where Jared was lazing around on the couch and suggested that they move out of town. Okay so, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but that's what it felt like. Jared had been out of work for a month or so, and he felt a lot better. He still had some issues when leaving the apartment, but he was working his way through it.  
  
"Why would we move?" Jared said. "Your job is here, I'm looking for work in the area, and I’m finally starting to feel like I'm not about to pass out when I step outside." He didn’t understand why Jensen would want to rock the boat so soon after everything.  
  
"And if we move, you'll feel safer and it'd be easier to get around, right?"  
  
"Running away from my problems won't solve them," Jared snapped. "So maybe you should try answering my question again, only this time, don't use me as an excuse."  
  
"Fine. Fine!" Jensen was practically apoplectic with anger. "Something is not right with  _us_ , and I just think that a new start would do  _us_  some good." Jared heard the emphasis on ‘us’, and while Jensen’s point was valid, he couldn’t help feeling like the suggestion was still mainly for his benefit.  
  
“I thought we were doing better,” he said meekly. It hurt to see Jensen angry, hurt to think that he was the one causing it. “I feel like we’re doing better?”  
  
“We are,” Jensen sounded calmer but his voice was still tense, “But I’m tired of freaking out every time you leave the apartment, tired of watching  _you_  freak out, and I hate the way you hole up in here…it’s not healthy.  _That’s_  why I think a change of scenery would do us both good. This place is too connected to all that’s happened, and it’s not like we can’t afford it.” Jensen’s points were valid, and Jared couldn’t honestly say that he hadn’t briefly thought about moving.  
  
Was it really worth uprooting their lives? Not everyone had the means to up and leave, and it still felt too much like  _running away_.  
  
He didn’t say that to Jensen though; he agreed to consider it. And when Jensen smiled and gave him a relieved look, he was sure that he wouldn’t have much  _thinking_  to do.  
  
~  
  
Jared’s therapist told him that moving didn’t seem like a bad idea.  
  
“It feels like I’d be running away,” Jared said.  
  
“Leaving doesn’t mean you’re running, Jared,” she replied. “It means that you’re  _leaving_  of your own accord and that you can maybe work on putting the past behind you.”  
  
“Well, when you put it like that…” Jared still wasn’t sure.  
  
“How does Jensen see any potential move?” she asked.  
  
“He thinks that it’d do us both good, do  _me_ some good, so that I don’t have to feel so anxious about leaving the apartment anymore.”  
  
“And would you say that Jensen knows you well enough for his words to be the truth?”  
  
“Of course,” Jared all but exclaimed. “He’s my best friend, my partner. He probably knows me better than I know myself.” She remained silent the way she did sometimes, when she wanted something that Jared had said to really  _sink_  in.  
  
“You know,” she said, “It’s not running away if someone’s going with you.”  
  
~  
  
So they moved, and while it definitely wasn’t easy, the fact that Jensen was by his side all the way through it made Jared feel a lot stronger. He managed to get a new job, at a smaller firm, with shorter hours because after all the soul-searching he’d done, he’d realised that he wasn’t really someone who coped well with being cooped up in an office all day long.  
  
Somehow, Jared finally began to get over the nervousness of being outside alone and started to enjoy things that he had in the past. Distant smiles of strangers, the breeze on his face, the way the sun lit up the streets. The rhythmic pattern of the rain, the scent of the fresh air; he found a way to appreciate all of it, a way to embrace it instead of escaping it.  
  
In a way, Jared felt as though he’d found himself all over again.  
  
So, while Jared had always imagined that his breakdown would go a little differently, he couldn't help feeling a little chagrined. At himself for not realising just how gruelling one could be. He'd always thought of a breakdown as an event, something that happened one day, like a minor car crash. He’d thought of it as something that would only be on the forefront of his mind of a couple of weeks; something that probably wouldn't happen to him at all.  
  
It wasn't like that, and now that he knew, Jared could only promise himself and Jensen that he'd seek help if he ever found himself down this road again.  
  
 ** _Fin._**


End file.
